In my original form, I carry no light. I grew out of thick water. At nineteen, I woke up with a stained glass head & no eyes. Let me see, I demanded. So I saw.
It’d be true to say I’ve not yet died. I hold the past syntax & the present syntax tight as a heart. I’m not the type of person who can let a sentence into my body whole. All that I know can be given to oxygen. All that I know is humans are supposed to stay small.
BURIAL AT SEA
The lighthouse in my head went missing the summer of 2003. Look¸ my heart said, I am actually a throat. I don’t care about revenge. When they told me to forgive anyone who’s ever wronged me, I did. But the body can curl inside itself. A hand can become other hands. The baby sparrows tumble out of my heart. Their necks were broken oceans ago.
THE MIND IS ONLY ITS OWN PROPERTY IN SLEEP
The difference between emotional & physical vulnerability is explained through panic buttons. That is to say it cannot be explained but here is a panic button. Please only press it when necessary. Please remember society has rules. There will come a night when no one is in love with you. Be calm: this is what you wanted.
The man’s face shapeshifts in my dream: ex #1, ex #2, ex #3. Eventually, dream-me tires & walks away. This is a replica of my imagined perfect universe: I get everything I want & miserable. Raise your hand if you’ve made love in a park & it didn’t change you. Raise your hand if you’ve crossed state lines, if you’ve gotten to the I did that & then, having done that, been forced to continue to exist. You can laugh at me, but for years I didn’t know I was growing fear like a crop. One night, I ran a rolling pin over my body. Flat, I discovered the seedlings had sprouted across 85%. I could not stop raining. This is when I was forced to accept that no summer afternoon can happen twice, a lie the mind’s peculiar sentry had been licking into my ears since before summer had a name.